is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
