Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I believe in your delicious
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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