Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I looked at my own cervix.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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