You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
