you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
