There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
