She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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