When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
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I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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