I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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