Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
