Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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