No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
