If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
