Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
