I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
