I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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