i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
