I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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