i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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