Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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