I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
