Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
