I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
