I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
