i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
are you so shy because you have an std?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
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He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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