We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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