I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
