so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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