How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
