Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
