Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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