i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
