There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
