Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
