what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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