He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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