Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
