Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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