After last night, I could never be a politician.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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