the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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