yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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