When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
