He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I am mentally ready for anal.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
