I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
