everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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