I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
