There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
