Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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