i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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