ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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