are you still at the devil's house?
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
