i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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