I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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