I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
