i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
