I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
