gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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