I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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