the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
